Frenemies at Work

How can a colleague be a pal one day and stab you in the back the next?
Here's how to deal with this common workplace peril !!!

A generation ago, the workplace was a lot more formal than it is now. I am old enough, just barely, to remember when people in offices were called Mr. Smith and Miss Jones, when bosses were on a higher plane vis-à-vis their employees than most bosses are now, and when telling a risqué joke at work was considered bad behavior.

I'm not saying I want those days back, I'm just pointing out some of the differences in the post-millennium workplace. These days, most business environments are more frenzied, more casual, and more familiar than they have ever been.

Another change is the abundance of very close, intertwined relationships that bridge people's professional and personal lives. While it certainly wasn't unheard of for people to socialize with colleagues in the past, the sheer amount of time that people spend at work now has left a lot of people with less time and inclination to develop friendships outside of the office.

But the rules are different for these relationships than they are for ones that have nothing to do with work, and you could easily find yourself with a "frenemy" that hybrid who is part friend and part enemy.

FRENEMIES AT THE GATE

A frenemy is a person you spend time with, enjoy talking with, and rely on at work—but you can't completely trust. He or she is so much a part of your working day that a relationship that isn't strictly business between you two is not just assumed—it's unavoidable. And, day in and day out, it's not unpleasant.

But at the same time you have been burned by this person, who hasn't demonstrated the unyielding loyalty and support you'd expect—and get—from an
out-and-out friend.

Why do certain colleagues morph into frenemies? Some people are congenitally
unable to have true friends. They always have an angle and they've got to have the edge. It's better for them if people don't get too comfortable with them.

FEAR FACTOR

Some people are so laden with fear about their political position or their competence that they never miss an opportunity to make a colleague, even one
they work with closely, look bad. For your part, you're the loyal teammate who supports and encourages and helps your work buddies as much as you can.But more than once, you've felt the blade in your back.

"How could you do that to me?" you think, but that's the way these people operate. You may be friends when all is smooth sailing, but when the chips are down, your frenemy will make sure you look bad and he looks good.

Keeping a frenemy at a distance to minimize the risk of being stabbed doesn't really work. Face it, part of the reason your relationship developed as it did is because the two of you are too dependent on one another, share too many goals or projects, and spend too much time together to disentangle your professional fortunes. Anyway, it's far better to deal with the interpersonal issue outright than to deny it and try to freeze your frenemy out.

REQUEST A MEETING

You must let your frenemy know that you are well aware that more than once he has thrown you under the bus, and it's not O.K. My advice: Request a sit-down meeting (even if you already work in cubicles side by side) out of the office to discuss your relationship.

"I like working with you," you can say, if it's generally true. "I admire the work you do. I also rely on you. And I feel that on several occasions, when you had an opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with me, you blamed me or sabotaged me instead."

Be specific. Your frenemy may be brought up short by your rebuke—a common
frenemy trait is that the back-stabbing isn't personally directed at you; it's just the only kind of team behavior he knows. Be aware that if someone's reputation has to suffer, the frenemy will never take the fall.

Your frenemy, confronted with the facts, will likely react in one of the following ways:

That's the way life is. But you would have done the same thing to me—it's every person for him—or herself. Your reply, "Actually I wouldn't have. I would have handled the situation without overtly criticizing anyone. I would have used the issue as an opportunity to improve our group's process and strengthen the team. There are ways to do that, and I'd love to talk with you more about them." Who, me? I don't know what you're talking about. You're too sensitive.

STAY OFF THE VICTIMS LIST

Your reply, "I don't feel I'm being sensitive at all. To the extent that I doubt your motivation or your level of buy-in to the projects we work on together, I'll be uncomfortable sharing information with you or helping you succeed, and that won't help either of us or the company. I have no opinions about your relationships with other people on our team, but where you and I are concerned, I need to know that if you have constructive feedback for me, I'll always hear it before anyone else does. Is that a fair agreement?"

Other possible reactions: Your frenemy may minimize the backstabbing, accuse you of "frenemizing" yourself, or try to change the subject. But if you're sure that you're in a frenemy situation, it's appropriate to keep the conversation on target. It doesn't matter a lot whether your frenemy cleans up his or her act in general, but it matters that you erase your name from the list of possible victims.

And calling a frenemy's bluff really does work. Once you have made the point that you won't play friends-today-trashed-tomorrow, your frenemy should ease up. You may even become the first workmate he trusts completely when the heat is on.

Remember, you have an obligation to your workmate also, to have his back as much as you'd like him to have yours. That doesn't mean covering for one another, misleading anyone, or promoting any agenda other than the company's
best interests. But it requires honest communication and trust, two things that teams (even teams of two members) can't operate without.

Once you establish yourself as the person your former frenemy can't, and doesn't need to, sabotage, you may learn things about your colleague that help you understand how the frenemy worldview developed. You have more influence on your colleagues than you think. If you can help a smart and capable person get over the fears that inspire frenemy-type behavior, you've accomplished your good deed for the year—at least.

My boss hates me! What do I do???

You know how that old joke goes. Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean that they are not out to get you.

Well, there is some truth in that. Sometimes, when you feel that someone is out to get you, they really are out to get you.

And if that someone happens to be your boss, then you are in for a very bumpy ride indeed.

Sounds familiar? Does the person in charge at your workplace seem to have it in for you?
Do you feel that he picks on you all the time?

Are you convinced that your boss hates you?

Well, first, make sure that you are not imagining things. It may feel like your boss is always snapping your head off without any provocation, but if he does the same to your workmates, then that's probably just his working style. You shouldn't take it personally unless you are the only person being targeted. If everyone is in the same boat, then you swim or sink with the rest. Or look for another job with a more pleasant work environment.

Thought it over? Still convinced that you are the prime target? Okay, fine. But don't go by your judgment alone. Play your work scenario back to a disinterested party (a friend who works elsewhere is fine; a girlfriend/boyfriend who is predisposed to take your side is not) and ask them for their considered opinion. Listen carefully to what they have to say, even if it is not what you want to hear. Take their thoughts on board, think things over for a week or so before you take any precipitate action.

Use this cooling-off period to observe your boss closely. Is he just your standard-issue jerk who bullies people simply because he can? Or does he have a particular animus towards you? Is this an irrational dislike based on no discernable fact? Or does he have issues with your working style?

If he doesn't seem to get along with anybody else either, then you needn't feel persecuted. But if you are the only one who is singled out for negative reinforcement, then it's time to come to terms with the fact that you have a problem. Yes, your boss does, in fact, hate you.

It could be for any particular reason or nothing in particular. It could even be for something that exists only in his imagination. But however trifling the cause, you still have to deal with it.

So, what are your options? The most direct approach is to ask for a one-on-one meeting and place your concerns on board in a businesslike manner. Don't play the victim. Instead, voice your feelings in a non-emotive, non-accusatory form. Treat this as a problem-solving exercise, in which you say what is bothering you in the hope of clearing things up, not as a confrontation in which you are determined to best him. He is in charge; you are not. Remember that.

Use this cooling-off period to observe your boss closely. Is he just your standard-issue jerk who bullies people simply because he can? Or does he have a particular animus towards you? Is this an irrational dislike based on no discernable fact? Or does he have issues with your working style?

If he doesn't seem to get along with anybody else either, then you needn't feel persecuted. But if you are the only one who is singled out for negative reinforcement, then it's time to come to terms with the fact that you have a problem. Yes, your boss does, in fact, hate you.

It could be for any particular reason or nothing in particular. It could even be for something that exists only in his imagination. But however trifling the cause, you still have to deal with it.

So, what are your options? The most direct approach is to ask for a one-on-one meeting and place your concerns on board in a businesslike manner. Don't play the victim. Instead, voice your feelings in a non-emotive, non-accusatory form. Treat this as a problem-solving exercise, in which you say what is bothering you in the hope of clearing things up, not as a confrontation in which you are determined to best him. He is in charge; you are not. Remember that.

In case he seems genuinely surprised by your grievances, give him the benefit of the doubt. Put the entire episode out of your head and start afresh. Reevaluate the situation in a month or so to see if his denial was credible.

If he admits that he has a problem with you -- with your attitude in general or working style in particular -- don't be too disheartened. You can still make things work. Get him to point out the problem areas, ask for suggestions on how you can improve, and put them into play as soon as possible. All professional criticism should be accepted in a positive spirit. Don't treat it as a personal condemnation, but as an opportunity to improve and better yourself.

If a face-to-face interaction is too stressful, fall back on e-mail. Write to your boss, explaining how you feel. Don't frame your concerns in general terms. Instead, give specific instances of how or why you felt targeted. Steer clear of emotionally charged language. Be clear and concise. Ask him how you can amend matters.

Scared of the potential fall-out of a direct approach? Enlist the help of a co-worker or a superior who is perceived as being close to the boss. Explain your predicament to him. You could take him into confidence and ask for his advice on how to deal with your boss. You could ask for his frank opinion on whether your boss does in fact hate you. Or you could use his services as an honest broker to convey your feelings to your boss and find out how you can remedy the situation.

But no matter how upset you are, don't go around confiding in all your co-workers. Sometimes these things are self-fulfilling. If everyone in your office is convinced that the boss hates you, this will inevitably get back to him. And he may end up hating you, even if he didn't do so to begin with.

The real manager!!!

It was a hot meeting at the office conference hall. All the people from the department had been called. The VP was looking much tensed.

The mood was so bad. My friend asked me -"Hey, what is this meeting all about? I told - May be they will decide on when to have the next meeting. People around smiled at each other. Then the VP started talking. It was about the recent attrition rate that was so high. Around 10 people had put in their papers. All experienced guys. It was quarter end and so work was huge. If we do not complete the work on time, we need to be paying heavy penalty said the VP. The VP turned to the manager and told "Hey - take how much ever resources you want. Recruit or take them from other departments. But complete the work in another 25 days. Take people and complete it man.

To this the sweet manager replied "Sir! Give me one wife and nine months and I shall show you results. Don't give me nine wives and one month. I cannot do anything." Everyone looked at him blank. The VP was not prepared for this answer. We looked at the manager and thought "What an Awesome Reply man!"